No Baby This Year

Here's my update and my stress filled Monday.

 Sunday night, I could hardly sleep. I woke up sick at one point, to the point where the last thing I ate had to make it's presence known and let's just say it didn't taste quite as good. I woke up Monday and kept my phone by me all morning. I had spurts of crying on and off. And I think Alexis could feel my tension because she was staring to throw tantrums. There was still no call by 11am, so I called the doctor office myself. The nurse had to call me back because she had not got the results back yet from Friday's blood test. She called me back about 30 minutes later to tell me my levels didn't double. They went from 1800 to 2400. My doc was in surgery and she would call me back after she talked to her. I got a call pretty quickly back and she told me, she set up an ultrasound for me about an hour later. 

At the ultrasound, the tech couldn't show me the screen or tell me anything. Jon couldn't come back there with me and I really wanted him there. After the ultrasound, I was told to hang around because they were getting 'wet' results. Where they are supposed to call the doc immediately and tell her what's on the ultrasound. Instantly after it was over, I had a calm and peace of mind come over me. I'm sure it was all the prayers and Jehovah helping me and knowing I'm about to get some answers. An hour goes by and the nurse from my doc's office calls and says she still hasn't heard from the imaging center. She's not sure why, but since I'm not in pain or distress to head home and relax. 

I still had no answers! Honestly, not knowing what's going on in your body and with your baby is so hard. I just wanted to know, good or bad, so I can move on. On my way home, the nurse calls again. She said, she got the call from the imaging center and it doesn't seem to be ectopic {Yay!} and that all they saw was an empty sac with no yolk sac or fetal pole, by now there should have been something. Pretty much the baby never developed. She has to talk to the doctor to see where to go from here. Ok fine, hang up. 10 minutes later another call from her. Well, talked to the dr, she doesn't want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. There's a slim chance it could be. She also told me to go get more blood work done Tuesday {today}. 

She called me today and said she won't know the results from the blood work til tomorrow and she said the doctor finally was able to look at the ultrasound photos today and she's pretty sure it's in the uterus and not ectopic. She's looking to see if my HCG levels will decrease. They're probably not going to double, she said. I'm just ready to really know for sure it's not ectopic and just go in and get a d&c and we'll try again. 

Emotionally, I'm really fine surprisingly. I think all week, I have set myself up to expect the worst-losing my baby- when that's not really what happened. There was never a baby there, so I can't really lose something that I never had. Thinking of it that way, makes it a lot easier to deal with. We joke around that I had a dumb egg or just stupid sperm that wanted to fake out my body, but this kinda thing happens unfortunately and you just have to kind of expect it. I had such an easy pregnancy with Alexis, besides her being breech and the c-section, that I never gave it any thought about having problems with another pregnancy. We'll try again, I don't know if it'll be right away tho. We are going to NJ & NY in June and want to get into a bigger place and see what Jon's job situation is.