Thursday, August 11, 2011

Can you lose yourself?

I met my BFF, DeeDee, when we were about 16. Yeah, it had to be 16 because I could drive. She must've been 14 or something like that. Anyway, I remember one time she brought up - when we were a little older say 17/18- that she had lost herself. And we would joke around that she found herself in her dog's dog cage. But I never really understood how someone could 'loose themselves'. Growing up Britney Spears was the big thing. Especially with Deedee, her favorite ever. One song that she came out with, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman", I never really fully understood til probably now.

As a teenager, I knew who I was.
-I wasn't skinny, not even average size and I was fine with that. I still wore bikinis to the beach and never once did I say I want to look like so and so or look in the mirror and say I don't like this or that. I honestly loved myself and the way I looked. My dad is a heavy guy, but always had the confidence to back it up and I think that's where I got it from. My skinny friends, they didn't know it at the time that they were skinny but sure know it now haha, would always look in the mirror and say I don't like this or that.

- I drove a 91 white cadillac seville with pink neons, red leather interior, and loved it. Her name was pearl.

- I wasn't really shy and always greeted new people into our group of friends, like Deedee. She moved here from PA and I didn't want her to feel weird or out of place. I did that with a lot of people because that's how I would want to be treated if I went to a new place.

- I didn't like talking bad about people. I liked listening to what so and so did, but didn't like joining in the conversation.

- I always sang in the car, danced in the car, wore big earrings, was part of the life of the party, would always make my rounds to everyone to say hello.

- I had a camera, either point and shoot or disposable with me at all times.

- Kiera was my best friend since 12 years old and we were attached at the hip. I was always at her house and we were always doing something.

Now, I realize in time, you lose that person or at least I did, that I once was. Kiera was my best friend, but we started drifting away slowly after she got married in 07. And now my best friend is my husband, which is how it's supposed to be. Marrying Jon, he was not really as out going or sociable as I was and we kind of evened eachother out. Now he's more sociable and I'm more shy. Because I'm more shy, I don't like drawing attention to myself. Which means I don't sing as much or dance in the car. I don't go to parties or stay as long as I used to. I still don't like talking about others but I don't greet new friends like I used to. I drive an 07 toyota camry and mostly it's turned to one of Alexis's kid CD's. I'm still not skinny, but now I have a problem with that. Now, I'm more conscience. I wear a tankini and never thought I would. Which I don't understand.

Well, I've been wearing my big earrings again. In about a week, I will be back to my blonde highlights instead of my natural color. I am back to eating right, so I won't be as self conscience. I sing in the car and have been more chatty with friends. Ya know it feels really nice to be getting back to being myself. Being a mom does change things also, because now I pay more attention to her than me. But I have to take care of myself to be able to care for others. I'm getting there, it's taking time but hoping to feel like myself, and not shy. I hate feeling shy or nervous around other people. I guess you really can lose yourself or at least who you once were.

But one thing that stay consistent, was I always had my camera and still do ;)

Here I am at 16

I loved my car

Me, Deedee and Kiera

Oh yeah, it was like 1am. We went to walmart like this, ran through the park like this. It was awesome.

6 Wonderful Comments:

  1. You can lose yourself. I am glad you are taking the time to find yourself. It sounds like you understand that you aren't the same person and you have changed, but you do need to take time for yourself. Good for you. :)

  2. Great post! I am so like this! I need to get back to who I was!

  3. Ha ha. I love this. You do kind of lose a little bit of yourself after you have kids. It is good that you are trying to find yourself again.

  4. I don't think I've ever completely known who I self discovery & journey to find myself is a constant & I think that's completely okay (yeah and I'm in my mid-30's). I've changed over the good ways, some not so good ways, but I try to never beat myself up for it. I just try to learn from every experience I have & just be true to me. Drifting away from close friends is just part of growing up, unfortunately. It sucks, but what you learn out of it, is that not every person you've been close too was meant to stay forever in your life. Good luck on your journey & remember that you are beautiful---inside & out!

  5. Oh yeah!!! I totally relate. I have always had insecurities my whole life- some have stayed with me. Others have gone away but have been replaced with others. It's a constant struggle to just be happy in my own skin. I hate feeling this way so I am trying to instill unshakable confidence in my kids- so they never have to feel this way.

  6. I think you can. I've thought this a lot since Thad was born. But by golly, I'm determined not too let it take over. I just got my hair done yesterday, I've been trying to eat right, and I'm starting to take better care of me. If I don't do that, I know I won't be the mom I want to be.


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