....Venting....

Well, I'm just going to say it and not sugar coat it. Pawpaw is dieing. He's laying up there just prolonging his death. It's so hard to see when the person doesn't want to die yet. Last week, Friday, they took out the breathing tube because he was doing good. I saw him Friday and he was doing lots better. He just had an oxygen mask on and was trying to talk even though he still had a feeding tube in his mouth. I could understand somethings. I do remember he asked how the baby was and I told him she's doing great and will be ready to meet him in August. He smiled, shook his head and winked. I can't think about that or even type it without crying. I think I cry about everyday about it and esp when leaving the hospital. So, Saturday he was doing not bad, but his best day was Friday. I didn't see him on Sunday, but went to visit on Monday. On Monday, he was just struggling to breath. He would breath heavy through his mouth for about 5 min and then stop breathing for 15 sec or so. That pattern kept going til we left. We really got no response from him except he looked at us and then looked away. My uncle is coming back this weekend and they are starting to think about Hospice or something like that. He's not getting better. I have to say he was my biggest fan since I was born. I will miss him, but will see him again.

I knew something like this would happen the week of my baby shower, if not on the day of my baby shower. It's so hard to celebrate a new life, when one is leaving us. It'll be fun. I don't think many people are coming. It seems like everyone that RSVPed so far, can't make it. I knew all this would just happen to me. We'll have a good time no matter who shows though. Cause that's just how we roll lol.

Another thing, I'm so stressed out and I know Alexis can feel it. The last 2 doctor's appts, my blood pressure has been high (which is the time since pawpaws been in the hospital) and my appts before he went it they were great. It just feels like so much on me. My grandpa is dieing, when he wanted to meet his great granddaughter. He would tell all the nurses about her and was so happy. I'm trying to prepare for a baby, where nothing's done, and like someone said she could come really soon. I have to help with my grandma, she's a very dependant person and can not stay alone at any time. I try to help my mom out, so she don't feel so stressed out. I'm going to file bankruptcy after the baby is born, I can't afford my credit cards.

It just feels like a lot and I'm just really exhausted. I haven't physically been to the meeting in a few weeks or more. I have been there on the phone. I really appreciate the brothers and sisters who have called (not me, but my parents) to offer their support. And the ones who like to make us food, mmm like that lasanga - that was really good! Instead of the ones who pre judge you because they don't see you at the meeting and don't pick up the phone to call and see how you are or offer words of encouragement. I just have to say that really irks me. Just don't judge me. I know it's our imperfections and I keep forgiving 77 x and try not to let it get to me. But if you really wonder, call.

Oh, and I want a pedicure.
This was Friday.


This was Saturday.